Movie Review: The Planet of the Apes

Based loosely (emphasis on the word “loosely”) on the older, far superior film of the same name, the 2001 version of The Planet of the Apes is a stunning (yes, I was stunned) example of how not to go about making a movie. Possibly the worst movie I have ever paid money to go and see, its only redeeming feature being that for weeks afterwards, it was the central topic of many heated discussions with other people who also saw it regarding how bad it really was. On paper, it should’ve been a hit. Established storyline, good director, well-known (although, at times, mediocre) actors and multi-million dollar special effects. I guess this can be taken as an example of just how many things can go wrong with a movie.

The start of the film seems alright. It established the main character, played by Mark Wahlberg and sets the premise on which much of the later story rests. It also raises a significant alarm, that the writers of this version have not stuck to the original story line. Initially, I was unshaken by this as it is not unusual for writers to modify original stories so that they suit the medium better (although, the old version was also a film), but as the story went on, I could not purge the thought from my mind that they would have been better off sticking to the original story. There were plot-holes galore and many unexplained inconsistencies in the universe that the filmmakers tried to create. To add insult to injury, the characterisations were shallow, inconsistent and seemed to provide a backdrop to the special effects set-pieces which were not particularly impressive.

The costumes and make up would’ve been impressive if it was the first time that a film had tried to do that. But it wasn’t. The special effects were really just, well… effects. The story line was, similarly… just a line. A line which took you from the start to the end of the film during which time you would hope that that line was the shortest one between those two points. A short cameo by Charlton Heston is amusing, but is ultimately just a short interval in what seems a pointless exercise in exposing celluloid. The end of the film is, for want of a better word, crap. Had the film been better put together, the ending might have been thought-provoking. As it happens, to me the ending only had one message – that there is a possibility that there will be a sequel.

Try as I might, I could not become engaged by this film. Although Tim Burton, to his credit, does well to keep the film moving along at a fairly brisk pace (thank god) the inconsistencies in character, plot and universe constantly reminded me that I was sitting in a movie theatre watching a very poor excuse for a film. As I watched, not only did I find the film unengaging, I also couldn’t help but feel like my intelligence was being insulted because someone had the audacity to make this film and to seriously expect people to pay money to go and see it. Here’s to hoping that they don’t make a sequel, however if they do, it will almost certainly be one of those very rare sequels which is far better than the original which, given the quality of the original, is about as easy as falling off a horse.

One star for Charlton Heston, one star for a good Trailer, one star for not sending me to sleep. Don't waste your time, go watch something else.

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